If I Were a Muslim

Paul Derengowski



If I were a Muslim, I would put on a show of repetitive religiosity five times a day by getting on my face and bowing toward Mecca, only to rant in a fit of ecstasy “Allahu Ahkbar” when I discovered that one of my Muslim brethren had murdered an innocent infidel through an act of terror.

If I were a Muslim, I would parrot how much Islam was a religion of peace to a fawning liberal media, while busily working to smear, defame, or physical injure those who disagreed with me.

If I were a Muslim, I would blame everyone for my plight in life and totally forget that the real cause of my backwardness is my archaic ideology rooted in seventh-century heretical thinking.

If I were a Muslim, I would claim women were equal to men, while subjugating them to wear what looked like over-sized garbage bags to hide themselves, and then arguing that my ugly sin of lusting after women is actually caused by their God-given beauty.

If I were a Muslim, I would argue that beating, beheading, or throwing acid in the face of my wife was the right thing to do, when she failed to bow down in complete subservience to me and my every command.

If I were a Muslim, I would state that lying was wrong, while lying to anyone and everyone, when it was necessary, to advance the cause of Allah, his prophet and his religion.

If I were a Muslim, I would pretend to be open to questions about my Islamic faith, only to immediately bully, threaten, or manhandle those who dared to expose my pretentiousness as disingenuous or fraudulent.

If I were a Muslim, I would stealthily sneak around infiltrating schools, government, and law enforcement, while attempting to impose policy changes to make Islamic ideology seem less oppressive than it actually is, so that eventually an Islamic state will replace the present Constitutional form of rule.

If I were a Muslim, I would speak of “non-compulsion in religion” and freedom of religion, and then do everything within my power to suppress all religious opposition to anything my religion had to say about how people should think, speak, and act.

If I were a Muslim, I would call Jews “apes and pigs,” and Christians “losers” and “the friends of Satan” out of one side of my mouth, while calling them “brothers” and “people of the Book” out of the other side for public relations reasons, just to make sure that everyone knew we all worshiped the same God.

In fact, if I were a Muslim, I would just keep right on doing what I’m doing. Paul Derengowski. Good day.